Weekend Courier Mail (5-6 September):

An article discusses the demise of NSW Minister John Della Bosca because he had an affair.

No one is immune from this disease called 'infidelity'. It affects people from all walks of life. Mr & Mrs Smith down the suburban street, the high flying corporates, the celebrities and politicians. If it's so prevalent, why does it happen & no-one understand why? Mr Della Bosca obviously just wanted a 'bit on the side', but this can become dangerous if the other participating party wants more - as was the case in this instance.

Affairs are not just black and white. There are always grey areas. Every circumstance has two sides and unless you know both sides of the story, no-one can throw arrows. When people have affairs, are they just simply lacking something at home? Sexual intimacy, emotional connection or just time together? Is it the thrill of bedding someone without getting caught? Is it the fact that you are getting a little bit older, and still need to feel valued and appreciated in a sexual way?

If you feel any of the above, and don't feel that you are receiving it at home, is there a safe and fair way to gain these feelings without hurting anyone?

In October's issue of Cosmopolitan Magazine, it raises some very interesting issues. What exactly constitutes infidelity? It's fascinating to see what actions people perceive are a 'maybe' and what actions are strictly a 'yes' or 'no'.

I'll look at a couple of the topics:

Firstly, the strip club. The verdict was 'maybe' this is considered infidelity if someone's partner visited a strip club. It goes on to say that if it was a once off and he was honest about it, then no it's not infidelity. But if it was a regular occurrence and he was not being honest about it, then yes it was infidelity.

Men visit strip clubs and get lap dances for a variety of reasons. Some are for the typical bucks night, or wild boys out. Most of these times, the guys are so drunk, that they don't even really know where they are or what they doing. It's all a blur and they feed off each others confidence and enthusiasm.

But the men who visit strip clubs regularly, are there for totally different reasons. From my experience, they are either 'lacking' sexual intimacy at home, feel the need to have some sort of 'power' over women because in their regular day-to-day life a woman or women seem to overpower him, or it's just a plain sexual perversion.

If you find your partner is visiting strip clubs, you need to look at the possible reasons why he is doing this and discuss it with him. Confronting him outright with it will probably just inflame the situation. Professional help is certainly recommended in this instance.

Secondly, flirty emails and texts. The verdict was 'yes' this is considered infidelity. It states that about 43% of Australians admit to using email to flirt. Now this is a very interesting area of infidelity. It's considered a 'safe' way to 'have an affair'. This type of affair is not physical - it's emotionally driven. It's like when people get onto chat rooms and can pick their own identity and safely type away. They can be very honest and provocative with their thoughts safe in the knowledge that it 'isn't real'. With emailing and texting, because they can't see the other person, people can become a lot more courageous with their words. How many times have you emailed or text something, hit send, then thought 'oh shit'.....

But it's addictive and this is far becoming the most popular way of having an 'affair'.

Sunday Mail (Qld) 7 September 2008: A relationship psychologist wrote an article which stated that the reasons for infidelity were numerous. The psychologist stated that they personally never believed that monogamy for men was "natural", and unless he had made a decision to commit, then he's available. The article further states that women are the seductress, and being sexy enough to get another woman's "property" is powerful proof of her seduction. The male may feel like a saviour, a protector and needed by the other woman.But this is one of the oldest manipulations in the book. When the man decides to get out of the extramarital relationship, he goes from being "Superman" to just another bastard.

Sunday Mail (Qld) 17 August 2008: A new trend emerging has couples signing pre-nuptial agreements to protect their assets and establish rules about lifestyles. One in three marriages are ending in divorce, so couples are becoming more realistic about their relationship prospects. Some of the rules being drawn up in the pre-nups include domestic duties, social activities and punishments for infidelity. Some couples are also defining what they believe amounts to infidelity within a relationship. Traditionally pre-nups had been taken out by celebrities or the very wealthy, but now many couples are starting to get their 'rules' outlined in detailed and binding legal agreements.

Sunday Mail (Qld) 17th August 2008: I read an article which left me speechless. A relationship psychologist wrote about a 'case' which involved the husband having an affair. She stated that only 1% of him was there for the marriage, and 99% was in agony of never seeing his 'affair partner' again. He apparently was in counselling trying to keep the marriage together for reasons the counsellor thought were part family, part history and part economics. The counsellor's advice to the wife was that if she wanted her marriage back, then the husband had all the power and that the wife was 'on trial' as she was being compared to the 'affair partner'. The wife was advised that the more she berated her husband, poured out her agonised heart and attempted to make him feel guilty, then the more uncomfortable the husband would be. The counsellor further advised the wife that if she wanted her husband back and to keep him, she would have to stay 'well-behaved' and understand that she'd be living with a man who is grieving for another woman. In time his feelings for the 'affair partner' will fade, and for whatever reason he has for staying with the wife, his love will eventually return for her.

I wonder how many other wives out there are staying 'well-bahaved' after their husbands committed infidelity. Not many I imagine.